Just when I needed something to renew my faltering faith in the universe....
My older brother and his wife got the news they have been waiting for for almost five years...they will be flying to China within the next month or two to pick up their beautiful baby girl!!!!
My bro and his wife have gone through hell and back trying to adopt....applications, interrogations, criminal checks, background checks, family checks, financial checks, psychological checks....and all of this after enduring several miscarriages and even the birth of a stillborn baby.
They are such wonderful people and have always been there for me and the grrrlz whenever we needed them. My sis in law has written each of my grrrlz a postcard every week of each of their lives...even when they were too young to read, she would do a collage of pictures and letters and numbers and send it off. We have almost two complete bookshelves filled with beautiful books they have given each grrrl on every birthday and each Christmas.
If there was ever a couple deserving of a child to parent and love it is them. Congratulations to them and to our entire family. We are blessed and I am so happy my cheeks are wet with streams of tears.
Thank you Universe....they deserve this...and my beautiful little niece will and already is so loved!
anxious then tired then sad then content then pleased then wistful then...
My mind races ...ebbs and flows... trying to focus on the positive...trying to live my truth...trying to just be ...here...now
Most of the time I am happy...I am focusing on what I have in my life...and that is truly a lot of goodness...but sometimes the stress of finances, of worrying about the grrrlz' well being, of trying to do it all myself without asking for help...it just sneaks up on me and I want to hide...to step off this crazy merry go round...
But then I realize I should just wait til the spinning stops...it always does...and then everything seems manageable again...
On a side note...any other divorced women out there really wish you were a widow instead...less stigma and less bullshit
I am really sick and tired of the neighbour's stupid fucking dog barking at nothing early in the morning...Sunday is my sleep in day and this stupid twat (yeah that's right I called the dog a twat...that is the way I roll) barks continuously at the side of my house....I am assuming my bedroom window must really be intimidating or something because it seems to be only thing he is looking at...I have yelled out the window several times at this idiot dog now...I have watched to see what the fuck he is barking at but nope nada...just my bedroom window...stupid fuck....arggghhh
On a completely different note.... I had a really great but somewhat disturbing conversation with my daughters last night...well actually mostly the oldest two although Little B was there too...Kaori told me that she doesn't think her grandmother (my ex's batshit crazy psychotic mother) likes her at all...she then continued to tell me how rudely this fucking cow woman treats her, the mean spiteful things she says to my daughter, the ways in which she excludes her all the while including both her sisters and her cousins....I would have taken this with a grain of salt (even though I am not at all surprised as my ex in-law used to do the same passive aggressive and sometimes blatant shit to me when I was married to her son....ummm RUDE!!!) but Kiki (who is often the voice of reason) substantiated everything that Kaori was telling me.... Kiki said that she has even called her grandmother AND father on their treatment of Kaori.... and then Kiki summed it all up: Kaori looks like a mini me and therefore receives the stellar treatment formerly reserved for only me.....now they never see me so poor Kaori gets to suffer the brunt of their disfunction (and that is a whole other post! that family breeds disfunction and addiction like rabbits...which is why I am no longer married to that crazy shite)
Kaori was in tears as she tells me more .....the poor kid was like a dam that was finally bursting!.... she is crying as she tells me that she has felt unloved by her grandmother AND her father for years.....talk about breaking a mama's heart...if that woman was anywhere near me last night there would have been a brawl...or at least one serious smackdown; that old broad would have gone down fast and hard boooyaah!...the people's elbow would have come down fast and hard on that bitch...jes saying....
In the end I had a really good connecting conversation with the grrrlz...and the grrrlz connected too...we were one big loving, crying, hugging mass of estrogen (lucky for Mr T that he was at work hehehe)...I told Kaori everything that I could : that this was their issue that they were unfairly and cruelly taking out on her, that they did in fact love her but they unfortunately still have a lot of personal and spiritual growth to do, that there is nothing more she can do and that none of their behaviour is her fault, that she has so many other family members (from my side) and even family friends that love her and that she can always count on, I also said that you don't have to like or even love someone because they are blood (but that she should stand up for herself but always remember to be kind...even when others are not), actions speak louder than anything else, you cannot control other people's actions but you can control your own....I finished by telling her that she can always talk to me and that she is always loved...She then said "I always feel loved by you, Mom....and Mr T too. He is more of a dad than I have ever had." This mama then became a blubbery mess...I guess that grrrl is a lot like me!
Other than that shite...this weekend was wonderful and I'll prolly tell y'all about it in another post because right now this chiquita needs to dig in her garden!
loooky looky how cute those kids are...how could anyone treat that sweet face badly?
Sometimes I feel like I could cry. Especially today. Too bummed out and stressed to write anything other than a self-pitying whine. And then I run the risk of losing my bloggy friends...all three of you hahaha
So instead I will leave you a video of the luscious man who will one day realize I am the woman he wants to sweep off her feet and live happily ever after with my fave band.
mmm mmm mmmm I loves me some Michael Franti....I'm feeling better already!
It really pisses me off when I make dinner and no one actually says thanks...instead I get "what is this?" "yeah, it tastes kinda bad".....ummmm listen up kid that is the same pasta tossed with olive oil, garlic, basil, and frickin' Parmesan that you "LOVED" last week!...ummm RUDE!!!
It also really pisses me off when people are rude to other people simply because they are in a service job....case in point #1 : I stood behind a lady today at the grocery who berated the cashier when she told the lady her coupon had expired (LAST YEAR!)...the customer yelled at the cashier saying she always brings in expired coupons and no one has ever told her that before...she then has the nerve to say loudly (to who I don't know) "these foreigners (the cashier was Asian) don't even know how to read the regulations (ummm...the coupon regulations? WTF?)....I then had to step in and tell the ignorant bitch customer that I would appreciate it if she would keep her racist views to herself...oh yes I did! Nothing sets me off more than condescending bigots!...but really RUDE!!!...btw after all was said and done the snotty cow customer then took ten minutes to write a frickin cheque...I mean come on, who still writes cheques?...this isn't Mayberry, people!
And since I'm on a roll here...what is up with people who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the damn TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change it manually...just saying
I could go on but I better quit now before I scare you all away. I will however leave you with a little Bonquiqui to tell it like it is....just as a reference point as RUDE!!!! has become a part of the Bliss vocabulary....
I actually don't mind doing the dishes...I get to look out the window ....and I love having the kitchen counters all clean....dishes drying in the rack is comforting...like laundry on the line
I am thinking I want some Restalyn...not tons just mostly for the line across the forehead and the two little ones between my eyebrows (yep it is as attractive as it sounds)...maybe for my birthday...
I am really happy that Mr T got his Bob Vila on and spent days and hours hauling in soil and raking and levelling and seeding and fertilizing and I am sure that by the end of the summer the backyard lawn will look amazing .....but.....I am so fucking tired of looking at dirt (see photos below)...plus I spend a lot of time in the yard playing in the gardens and now I have to stay off the seeded dirt.....and gardening makes me happy and I need a little help with staying happy and not stressed right about now.....why the fuck didn't we get sod?
I am impatient...I hate waiting...I am getting better at it as I get older but now I have the added pressure of getting older...*sigh*
I daydream way too much...I was reading a magazine article about the ridiculous pay increases CEOs of huge companies are receiving...a lot of these companies have been doing abysmally yet their bigwigs are rolling in the dough...makes me sick as I struggle daily...so anyways back to the daydreaming....after reading this article I fantasized a whole scenario in which I wrote a letter to each of these CEOs explaining my financial difficulty and then asking for $1000 to help...really I only need $10000 to completely be out of debt (other than the mortgage) and then I can get by on my meager earnings.....so of course in my daydream scenario the CEOs all give me cash, my debt is paid, and my lawn is green
I need to drink more water....I have been keeping my stresses at bay with coffee and vodka....note to self : more water asap
Ok I'm not gonna lie, this is an updated post from an earlier blog incarnation...but I have been thinking about those pivotal moments or experiences that have made me who I am now...those that changed our lives and/or our outlooks on our lives.
I will now share with you my life changing experiences.....drumroll please
Firstly...my father's death. I was 13, almost 14, and I was Daddy's girl, the only girl in a family of boys. I had never had to deal with death before. My world was devastated and it took months to actually realize he was gone and that I would never see him again. My heart still pains as I write this. However...this loss made me appreciate life in such a way I never had before. I had always been painfully shy and I decided to start trying to live out loud for a change. I no longer wanted to watch my life...I wanted to start being dynamic and stepping out from my safety zone. I still consider myself shy but those that know me will shake their heads at that. I lost my daddy but I gained a reverence for life that has not left me.
Secondly....giving birth. *warning* some serious flaky shit to follow..... I had always been very insecure and self conscious of my body and had abused it with bulimia. Becoming pregnant was very liberating for me as I realized I would never abuse this vessel that was carrying my little bambina...instead I celebrated my belly as it grew. I nourished it with good healthy food (and I don't care what anyone says sushi and chocolate are the way to go for my pregnancies) and smothered it with cocoa butter. Don't get me wrong...I was still a raging hormone case who could either collapse in a ball of tears or become a crazy biotch at the drop of a hat...but the actual birthing of each of my daughters was the most primal empowering experience of my life. There was something deep in my core of being that I tapped into and that changed me. I felt strong and able and I was...and I am.
Thirdly....having my laser eye surgery. OK...yes this may sound vain but those of you that wear glasses or contacts because you really can't see shit without them, you all will understand this one. I had worn glasses (or was supposed to wear the glasses I left in my backpack) since I was 11 years old. I got my contacts when I was 14. There is no way to describe gaining your sight...waking up in the morning and being able to see the clock on the nightstand without squinting and reaching for your glasses.....looking up at the trees and actually seeing the leaves....priceless.
Fourthly....leaving my husband and all the shite that ensued in the aftermath.... I still can't believe how hard those few years were. I had to learn to let go of anger and not let it take over my life. I had to accept (once again) that life was unfair. I had to regain my faith in myself and in the universe. I had to learn to not wallow in self pity for too long (just a little bit and then brush myself off). I had to learn how to be mom and dad to my three daughters. I had to realize I already knew all this and was always both parents.
Fifthly (is that a word? it just doesn't look right)....getting fired. Once again I was reminded that shit happens and just because you are righteous you are not always rewarded for it. Sometimes you fight the good fight and you lose. I was humbled and really had to take a hard look at what I was doing in my life. I realized I was defining myself by my professional identity and lost track of who I was as a whole person. Since I have become more content with who I am as a mother, lover, friend, and woman...even if I'm broke hehehe.
I could probably think of a few other pivotal moments but really these are the biggies...the lessons I go back to when I need to...and even sometimes when I don't want to.
So what about you, bloggy world? Have you had epiphanies? Share share share....
I have been fighting off a bit of depression lately...just feeling a bit anxious I guess...we are looking at a bit of a slow summer at work and I hate that feeling of financial pressure....feeling a bit wierd and insular after the friend incident...plus another close friend is drinking a bit too much and is starting to deny it....worry worry worry
Which brings me to my real question today....
If you had a dream in which someone extremely close to you dies, would you tell them about the dream?
I haven't and I think I haven't because to say it out loud would be to put it out to the universe to act on (yeah i know...flaky flaky)....which btw the dream was extremely real; I woke up sobbing and have felt icky in my heart all day...In fact my eyes are welling up remembering how I felt in the dream...omg I just realized I didn't say who the dream was about....Mr T! my sweetie my love
I have blogged in previous blog incarnations about my desire to travel with my three grrrlz before they graduate and move away from my little hovel home. Unfortunately Ms Bliss' bank account is overdrawn and unsympathetic to my needs wants....and doesn't look like it is going to change anytime soon. Well I have some news.....SQUUUEEEEE!
But first some background..... I travelled a lot with my parents as a kid and my perspective of the world was broadened by it. When I say I travelled I mean no resorts or 5 star accommodations. My Mom and Dad were crazy hippies so we camped out on the beach in southern Mexico and sailed through Caribbean and drove throughout the states and Canada camping along the way and rode the Hong Kong subway.
My Mom was an artist so as a kid I was dragged through museums and art galleries. I remember being bored sometimes but thankful now. I mean I was a kid and the idea of a Betty Crocker-esque mother with white bread sandwiches was still appealing to me. My Mom wore no bra and flowing hippie skirts. My Dad was no better in the cookie -cutter Dad department. His hair was longer than mine and usually he had a bandanna wrapped around his head.... But I digress...my main point was travelling and all the perspectives you gain...especially as a kid!
Which leads me to....
My mama, my three daughters, and I are going to Roratonga! Next January and February we will be working on a volunteer project for three weeks in the beautiful South Pacific. We will be teaching English , building trails, and anything else they would like us to do! We work 5 days a week but the weekends are ours to explore or just lay on the beautiful white sand beach if we feel so inclined (and we do!!!!). We are all very excited. It also so happens that my mama will be celebrating her sixtieth birthday while we are there too! The culture is so warm and family oriented ; they will love our multi generational bunch! It is going to be such an experience for all of us. I am hoping I will be able to save enough that we can stay on for another week or two after our volunteer program. Then we would be able to explore more of the islands and have a full-on VACAY!!!!
ISN"T THIS SO COOL, BLOGGY WORLD?!!!!!
gotta go get kids to school etc but YAY one more time!!!!
I read Ms Moon's post from the other day over a couple times...and not only only because I am enamored with the sweet southern lilt of her descriptives as they spread across my computer screen...she has a way of writing that draws me in and makes me wanna curl up in a big ole rocking chair on her front porch and smell the wisteria wafting in the warm thick Florida air...
Something she wrote the other day just keeps resonating in me....she said she felt that she could have always done better as a mom... this amazingly loving and caring and seemingly sensible woman even doubted herself at times!
That is what I struggle with as a mother...I have struggled for so long trying to be both a mama and a papa to my grrrlz...I often wish I could do more for them, work less, play more etc etc...It is strange
Anyways I read Ms Moon's words and realized we are all fallible and we all wish we had done more and who knows maybe we could have...but all in all I have shown and given love and direction to my babies....could I do more?...maybe but I am happy my grrlz are happy and life is good
And on a related note...My oldest daughter is 15 today....15 years old...now that is some crazy shit!!!...she is quirky and scatterbrained and kind and so musical and she loves her mama....I am proud...life is good
And on a completely different note...Mr. T (my honey) has decided this year to go gung ho on the lawn....what is with men and grass?...anyways he did jackhammer out the RV pad taking up a fair chunk of our backyard and hauled the debris away... he also has spread about 20 square yards of chicken manure and soil all over the yard (oh yeah after he aerated it) and now he is seeding and fertilizing!...wow...I am tired watching him hahahaha... summer is coming and this grrrl can't wait!!!!....my lilies are sprouting, my irises are budding, and there are still a couple daffodils blooming!....life is good
I have a hurt that I forget about most of the time ....but sometimes it sneaks up on me...I feel the sinking growing into a crater...and I am hurt I lost a dear dear friend about 4 months ago...no she is alive and kicking...I lost her as a friend....I am still confused and so hurt by her actions but sometimes it is easier to start fresh and reinvent yourself than deal with the shit... but sometimes it is difficult to do that when you have someone who knows you so well...feeling exposed and fenced in by having someone who can call you on your shit .....or doesn't call you on your shit (as maybe I should have)
Anyways over the past month she has sent little messages over the online chat thingie on facebook...just kinda mundane things like "how are you?"
How am I?
Insincere small talk is just annoying... and a drag...why bother?...do you really want to know?...because if you did you would be my friend ....and I'm pretty sure you told me we weren't going to be friends anymore
I don't get it. The only time you can really get away with truly bragging is when you truly deserve to brag and even then only with friends and family do you get to brag...that is unless you want to come off as a pretentious arrogant ass.
Yet we all know those people who don't shut up about themselves and all of their fabulous achievements. Do they not realize that their accomplishments are now eclipsed by their lack of humility and grace?
Which brings me next to sarcasm.
Sarcasm can be amusing; it can make a point with humour. It can also be a thin guise for rudeness and cruelty. You know...when people say snide remarks and then finish with "just kidding!". HA! I don't think so...I think you meant that snarky statement but you just didn't want to get caught actually being a total asshole!
Mr T.... the big brown man that I live with, am engaged to, smoke cigars with, drink cava with, garden with, love with and who is actually more stubborn than me....sometimes
Kiki....oldest daughter, 15, space cadet, musician, forgetful, messy but kind and generous so easily forgiven
Kaori...middle daughter, 12 (well almost), obsessed with everything Asian especially Japanese anime, emotional, artistic, so freaking beautiful and strong willed that I know she is going to cause all my hair to turn grey in the next few years
Little B....youngest daughter, 9, cuddle bunny to the nth degree, just sweet sweet sweet, the baby that never complains, our own Little Miss Sunshine